Sunday, November 30, 2003
(Some Love Actually discussion at IMDb boards here)
Promised myself I wouldn't touch my phone today until I'd done all the exercises for written. It's bloody hard to keep in that when the thing is ringing all the time! Of course, today's the day I'm popular :| I still haven't finished.. I didn't write all the entries to journal yesterday either. Lazy bum.
As an excuse for not reading my literary studies notes (which I haven't touched either), I made some garlic bread today. The official reason was that I wouldn't have to go food shopping today but while making the bread I remembered all the 101 things I needed as well. But it turned out to be very nice bread so it's all good.
More excuses to avoid those notes: Michael Jackson weekend on MTV. I'm hooked. But really, it's hilarious. And so very 80s.
One of the less glamourous moments in life:
watching TV chat and eating pineapple from a can at 4am. Couldn't sleep again.. It was really bad this time, though (I knew I shouldn't have slept until noon yesterday morning), I think the last time I checked the time was 4:47am.
I wish Jaakko's online after Buffy, I'm feeling talkative. Already talked to Emmu on the phone but that was mostly about real things (or depends on how you look at it) but I'm lacking brainless chat about nothing important. I could also phone him now that I finally have his number but that would feel majorly weird.
Just realised I don't have an advent calendar yet. Blast.
Saturday, November 29, 2003
Q: how many university students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One changes it, one fears the one changing the bulb is going to fall down and one puts the lampshade back to its place after laughing for several minutes at the desperate attempts of the one changing the bulb.
Needles to say, I'm the third one. Mum always said I should've been an engineer.
*insert anime laughter here*
What is the big fuss about Love Actually at the IMDb boards?? I personally loved the film (anything featuring Ant and Dec will score bonus points, naturally) and can't see why anyone would be offended by Liam Neeson swearing a little in front of a 11-year-old or people simulating sex with their clothes on. But maybe that's just me. Honestly, these board comments frighten me a little.. "Richard Curtis is 'living in sin' as they say with a woman and they have some kids, so maybe that explains it."
Ack!
Teehee.. got a text message from Suvi last night. Now it's happened. Now also her mother thinks she's having some sort of hot secret affair with Jaakko. Though I sort of feel for her, I must admit I'm glad I'm no longer the only one whose mum is counting on the nonexistent relationship. Of course we shouldn't forget Greg. I'm pretty convinced he's suspecting something too.. Hmm. Maybe I should write something about this to my journal in a not-so-obvious way.
Mentioning that journal, I was flipping through it the other day and realised that if you read that you'd think there are only three things of importance in my life:
1. Watching bad movies.
2. Drinking beer (with Juha).
3. Being a groupie.
If you do some close reading, you might also figure out that:
4. I only appear to be groupie.
5. I have a blog (and some other websites).
6. I like Buffy.
7. I spend a lot of time on trains.
Decided that the only school work I'm doing today is write three days' entries to that effing journal (only two more weeks, whee). The endless amount of exercises in the latest unit for written and my literary studies notes will have to wait until tomorrow.
Why isn't Christmas break here yet?
Ooo, just heard that I'm going to Oku & Helena's for Christmas Eve. After the family dinner that is. Sounds strange but I don't mind, they're nice people. And it beats what Milla and me wouild probably be doing otherwise (watching what ever film there is on telly and eating too much chocolate).
Friday, November 28, 2003
First things first: Irina, I'm not from Lahti. I used to live there for a little while though (August 2002 - May 2003). I'd still like to be there, actually. Or not. None of my Lahti-friends really live there anymore :|
As it's been a very uneventful day today, it is time for (a rather boring) Friday five.
1. Do you like to shop? Why or why not?
I like to shop if a) I have money b) I'm alone / in the right company c) it's a good shopping day d) I don't necessarily have to buy anything. At the moment I'm not too keen on shopping, though.
2. What was the last thing you purchased?
Do food items count? They do now. Garlic. And 2dl of milk for tomato soup I'll make tomorrow.
3. Do you prefer shopping online or at an actual store? Why?
Actual store because then I know for sure what I'm getting and I don't have to wait. Online shopping can be fun too, though.
4. Did you get an allowance as a child? How much was it?
Nope. I got money when I needed it.
5. What was the last thing you regret purchasing?
I regret most things I buy. Can't say. Can't remember when I last bought anything that was not edible (or film for my camera).
I feel very pathetic right now for several reasons. Sitting here typing my old literary studies notes to Word on Friday night and planning to watch My Best Friend's Wedding at 9pm would be two of them.. I know it wouldn't feel so bad if I wasn't so tired.
The Pillow Book --> very hard to follow when about to fall asleep.
My head is full of randomness and it annoys me.
Listed forbidden discussion topics with Suvi yesterday while sitting in Rosso.
1. irc
2. irc gallery
3. Jaakko
We could avoid those about 15 minutes (while I was talking about my personal forbidden discussion topics, i.e. me drinking beer, me having hangovers, certain Karkkila people I like to mention a bit too often and so on) and that was it. Shame on us.
I'm having troubles with closing sentences today.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Hanna: *babblebabble*
Jaakko: *blaahblaah*
Hanna: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kari: I thought I was a nerd but you two help me to snap back to reality.
Besides a nerd, Kari's also called me big-handed today. Can't deny that either. Hm. I want smaller hands, damn it. But really, who is he kidding? He's just as big a nerd as I am. He laughs at my worst nerd jokes and is able to base a conversation on Holy Grail quotes! That's proof enough.
Echo Christmas party over. Or technically it's still going on, I just left early. It went surprisingly well, even the gift wrapping contest me and Jaakko sort of organised was alright. I'm proud of us. Though I didn't talk to too many new people, spent most of the time in the back corner with Suvi and Jaakko. Probably because we were about the only sober people there - and that's the best (-> most fun) way for us to be.
I don't what happens to my non-alcohol phase when I go back to Karkkila. We have our own little pre-Christmas party with E+E on the 6th and I've promised them Privet punch. And if they're having it, so am I. But until then, I'll stay away from the stuff. Good for me, really.
Oh, I did talk to one "new" person today. I've talked to Juha (eee.. Juha K.) before but only few sentences every once in a while. Decided I'll get to know him better today. Grave mistake. I understand not everyone can be on my level with humour and things but christ, a) alcohol doesn't suit him at all or b) he's just completely fucked up. Talking to him made me appreciate people who get me more, though. Unbelievable.
Came home and ranted to Miia in the kitchen. Funny as she is also one of those people who don't get me half the time.
Sleeeeeep.. didn't sleep much last night. Four hours or so. That combined with possible fever --> it's been a hysterical day. I laugh way too much nowadays. It's not healthy.
Line of the day:
["Let's not tell the contestants about the chocolate in one of the boxes,] let's eat it ourselves." :D
Edit: forgot. Seems like everyone was out somewhere seeing some gig except me. My favourite? Anni and Hellu. I got a text message a bit before 1am.
Hellu: This and Anni would be venturing Turku's nightlife and going to see Ville Pusa and these would want to say hi towards the east!
Hanna: Am not bitter. Am not. Really. Damn. But I'll rejoice from far apart. Playing cheese-slicer-air-guitar already. Say hi to Ville..
Hellu: Ville says hi back. But me and Anni at least like you!
Hanna: Heh. Thanks. Me and Tommi "flame hair" Läntinen like you too.
All together now: what? I think she'd had one Lime Bacardi Breezer too many.. should phone or write her really. I miss her (I'm missing all the Lahti folk nowadays, I notice).
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Hanna: Did you just sing to your pizza?
Suvi: Uhh.. no?
But a pizza does beat a fist as a subsitute microphone, if you ask me.
Didn't go to school today.. I don't know what happened last night. I was feeling alright and the next thing I knew was that my head was buzzing, I couldn't hear properly, I was shaking all over, sweating (cold sweat, whee), my stomach hurt like hell and I was about to throw up. What? That hasn't happened since.. the entrance exams in Jyväskylä in May, actually.
I guess it's my body's way of telling me I need a break. Thus, a day off. Probably a good choice as when I finally got up this morning, I almost fainted. Hm.
Though I never knew the true meaning of "pain" until I had to listen to Mika's 15-minute presentation on the (philosophical) meaning of literature yesterday. But maybe I wasn't meant to understand it.. he's a philosopher after all, his thoughts reach spheres I can't even dream of.
Mentioning dreams (well sort of), if I don't start getting more normal dreams, I'll stop sleeping altogether. Last night was pretty normal on the Hanna scale, though. I dreamed this guy I know had embezzled 160 000 euros from the state (or actually the Metso corporation but it was the same thing) and was going to flee wearing this ridiculous straw hat. The only thing he worried about was what was going to happen to his horse (or nag, as he called it). But the dream I had the night before.. won't even go there.
I'm giving East 17 a break. Milla sent me a new CD to listen on repeat. Woot.. only demo versions but who cares?
Monday, November 24, 2003
I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds Generation XTC addictive. I found myself today in the library borrowing the CD so I wouldn't have to rewind the tape all the time.. Umm.
What a day. Was supposed to wake up at 8, dragged myself out of the bed at 10:30. Found nice clothes, felt all-around nice, went to school, had alright time in fiction ("free at last, free at last!") but then checked my e-mail before pronunciation and that was it. I got this one e-mail that was neutral apart from one sentence that managed to depress me entirely. Almost started to cry several times during the class and if things weren't bad enough as they were, my pronunciation was somewhere not to be found. Cathy was nice enough not to interrupt me but she must've heard I didn't have a clue of what was going on.
Then I decided I will not let one e-mail to ruin my happy. Ha! It's a struggle but I shall conquer this, I shall. (extra candy to the person who recognises where this is from without IMDb and the likes)
I'm glad Christmas holidays are here soon, though, I could use the four weeks off. Except that I have to read four novels and study for the phonetics exam. But still, four weeks off.
Oh, a happy thing. Passed the exam. Not with flying colours, but a pass is still a pass.
Today I told Emppu (whose crushes still equal no good) that I'm tired of life and that I'm going to move to a dwell. She always says the best things at the best times.. "Fuck all the men. Or then not for a change so they could think clearly even a moment. I'll move to the neighbour dwell and we can shout out insults to all the men from there." :D
Brilliant plan. I just hope I can fit my TV and VCR (possibly also the DVD) in my dwell or it'll get uncomfortably boring after a while.
Can I shower? I think there are some mysterious people visiting either Hanna or Miia.. eeek. If I am extra sneaky they won't probably notice anything..
Edit: no strange people here.. Miia's just having a Swedish-speaking day and her intonation makes her sounds very weird, especially if you're in the next room..
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Me and Suvi watched Ghost World and Monty Python & the Holy Grail last night. Excellent choices both.. giggle fest. I loved Ghost World (though I must mention that Steve Buscemi is a disturbing looking man, heh) and it was refreshing to watch Holy Grail with someone who laughs as much as I do. All in all, nice evening.
Also watched The Wicker Man (which, according to Jaakko's dad, was supposed to be very good) when it was on telly Friday night. Erm.. The idea was good. And it was fairly unique. Surely something I've never seen before. And Christopher Lee, always good. But.. too many naked women, too much cheery singing, too much happy dancing. The part with a naked woman singing and dancing happily for several minutes - I swear my head was about to explode. But it was an experience. :)
Played East 17's Walthamstow CD (among other very interesting CDs) to Suvi yesterday. It was released exactly 10 years ago and and I was shocked to notice that apart from the ridiculous caps, they look quite nice on the cover. The fashion circle thingie isn't going slow enough. I can't cope if those hats are the next hot item.
We also re-discovered my Steam tape. Not good. Now I can't stop listening Generation XTC. Eeek!
I think it's become a habit for me to stay up late on Saturday nights even if I'm not out somewhere. I was very tired but for some reason just couldn't go to sleep before 2:30am. When I finally gave in and turned off the light, I got a text message from Emppu. And then I stayed up 40 more minutes having the traditional Saturday night text message festival. Hmmm..
Got bored and started to think of things I know I'm good at. Nice self-esteem boost even if most of the things are completely useless. I'm good at...
... remembering lyrics
... mid & late 1990s boyband trivia
... playing the 6 degrees of (almost) whoever
... listening (if I put my mind into it)
... telling stories
... making punch
... taking photographs
... making pop-culture references
... writing my journal for written1
... telling bad jokes
... quoting BtVS (and naming the episodes)
... remembering weird little details about trivial things
I could write a long list of negative things I'm good at but choose not to. It'd be too depressing. I'll stick with the happy things. Jopiii! :p
Friday, November 21, 2003
The strangest day. School from 9 to 10 in the morning, hanging out for four hours with Suvi, Jaakko and Kari, exam at 2pm, over by 2:20pm (33 multiple choice questions don't take that long, really).
It was also a hysterical day, I can't remember when I last laughed this much (actually I can, it was yesterday when we were trying to have the study group..). So, fun. Apart from the sharp stinging pain in my stomach that appeared about an hour before the exam and didn't go away until 6pm or something.
It feels weird to sit at home wearing sweatpants on a Friday night again. Two weekends in Karkkila is all it takes to make me forget alternatives for going out actually exist. But I'm liking this. I'm also liking the idea of sleeping tonight. Almost fell asleep during phonetics and phonology this morning..
Oooh, Emily mentioned the Boromir layout. Yes it was there when I still had my Scribble. It can actually been seen here now too, under "gone". Teehee..
Huuuge dilemma. Fact: I am broke. But I could probably find 7-8 euros to spend this weekend (mainly because I skipped the planned pint today after the exam). Now.
- Suvi asked me to go to Rax with her
- Love Actually is in theatres
- there's a preview of Master and Commander on Sunday
Aaaa! What to do?!
The thought of me spending 7,5e on food is just terrifying. Also, Suvi told me she doesn't eat the parts of pizza slices that don't have topping on them and that annoys me. Then again, they have Spanish theme right now and I hear they have onion rings. I want onion rings!
I also really feel like going to see a film. Problem is, I don't know which one to choose. Bugger. I want to see both. I could also wait until Monday and see Love, Actually for 6,5e instead of 8. But erm.. I really feel like going tomorrow.
Oh aren't my problems severe? :p
Brain freeze.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
X-men thoughts from last night: I'd forgotten how cool Ian McKellen is. I'd also forgotten all about Toad. I love Toad. Ray Park is also cool. Erm.. yeah.
I could have "nerd" tattooed on my forehead, it would make it official. Happy thing is that I've surrounded myself with nerds as well (some of them even worse than me). Proof? Saw Jaakko today briefly before pronunciation and we had a 10-minute chat about teen horror flicks. Why we started talking about them, I do not know. But it was fun. He also got my sith speeder references and stuff. Woot. But really, nerd nerd.
Got my phone bill today. 8 euros less than last time! It's still double what I want it to be, but I'm getting there.
Something wrong with my CD player. Blast. It won't play anything (or then it plays the CD once but not after that). I just tried several CDs and it finally agreed to work with me. Now I'm listening to Foo Fighters. Not a bad choice but I was in the mood for Robbie's I've Been Expecting You.
I'm addicted to those old Scribble archives. By the time LotR madness strikes, it gets fairly boring but before that it's great. Conclusion? I used to write about men a lot. Woah.. You'd think I'd remember all my past crushes, considering the fact I hardly ever meet anyone who I find interesting enough to have a crush on, but no. January 2002 I'm writing about this guy..
"Or then the guy should be something _really_ amazing, you know. Do the exactly right things and all that. But I still can't help being attracted to someone. There are two people now, both of them the wrong sort. Very wrong. The first one is a Good Guy. He's nice, behaves well and is polite, a little bit shy too. But our personalities.. We get on well, he's nice to talk to, but we're so different. So different. He loves the things I hate, I can't live without things he doesn't even do. And the best thing is, he's currently recovering from a really rough break-up."
Who the hell am I talking about? It can't be just some random bloke somewhere because apparently I've talked to him and everything. That was less than 2 years ago and I really have no idea. I still remember the second one I mention after this one, though.. He was a Bad Guy :D
(I'm actually laughing out loud now as I type this and even though I know it's a bit sad, I choose not to care)
I crack me up. Really. I think I should publish these old Scribbles as a book, they're hilarious. But it's really nice to know I've grown as a person. Even if just a little.
I bought Spar cookies for our study group tonight. For some reason this made me extremely happy. It looks like I'm finding my weird happiness again. Not complaining. But mentioning that study group, I could do some mindmaps or something so it would look like I've prepared for anything else than eating.
Edit: Oh no.. I just remembered who the guy was. Can I sink back into oblivion? Please? Oh deeeear.. Erm. Leather sofas, that's all I'm saying.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
(New layout - thought the blog needed a bit more colour.)
What the fart? Why is there no Siwa at our mall (or "mall") anymore? Grrr. The one even nearer will close tomorrow. What is going on? I went to K-Market instead and they had radio on really loud. I was forced to listen to this unbelievably whiny Anssi Kela #2 singing about how his long-term girlfriend had gone off to Helsinki to study at the university and he never saw her since. It would've been funny if I hadn't been so hungry and tired. But they gave me free chocolate when I left. Whee.
Haven't phoned or sent a message to anyone today. Go me!
My phone did ring once but as the number wasn't given, I didn't answer. Maybe it was a mistake. For all I know, it could've been Colin Farrell or something. Ha.
Speaking of phones, I deleted most of my cherished text messaged the other day. I regret it already. I do it every once in a while, delete all the funny and cute ones I've received and start over. However, there were two I just couldn't delete, both from Mikko. I've saved them for so long and they still make me laugh. Maybe next time then.
My excuse for not reading for the American studies exam or cleaning today: old Scirbble archives I stumbled onto while going through my files for whatever reason. Sweet cheese.. I started reading them but couldn't finish because I wrote a lot back then. But yeah.. I feel very sane now. I mean, compared to what I was, say, this time 2000 or something. Good heart-broken teen ansgt (technically still a teen then) and self-hatred. I laughed out loud while reading those. Hmm. Luckily I saved all the entries when Scribble.nu started charging.
Had one of the weirder dreams last night again. The dream person was there but this time only a minor part, I guess. I'm aware that he/she was present but can't remember exactly why or how or even where. Umm, anyway. The dream was about this little Indian girl flying in aeroplane with a cat. She wanted to warn people of the eclipse of the sun but every time she tried to tell someone, people wouldn't understand. Then she raised her hand trying to show what was about to happen and every time she did that, the sun went away and the people thought she was causing it and started chasing her. Thus the aeroplane. She just jumped in there with her cat and flew away.
For some reason I knew she was only trying to warn people and organised this thing to save her. And then sent e-mail to lots of people concerning the project (I can even name several of those people, funny). Right when I was downloading the 66 received e-mails, I woke up and realised I'd overslept (again). And now I don't know what happened to the little girl. Annoying.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
White Oleander. Loved the way colours were used. Visually a beautiful film, story worked quite nicely too. Though the ending was a bit Hollywood happy with Astrid and Paul moving to New York.. I don't know. Maybe I've just become cynic with age or something. Or then I've always been a cynic.
Just remembered a dream I had the other night and it reminded me of a dream I had sometime last week. Both involved the same person and I'm not sure what to think of them (the person or the dreams as a matter of fact). And now we're going to start with the pronoun game not even saying whether I'm talking about male or female, because I'm paranoid someone (the person or friends) will read this and then everything's kablooey.
Anyway. It's been bugging me for a while now and I decided I have enough other things on my mind right now and will put this on hold. Then these dreams appear, putting the particular individual to a (very good) spotlight and now the thing's bugging me again and concentrating fully to other things becomes impossible again. Erm.. what should I do? I've tried several things but nothing's worked.
I wish they'd just phone me even with my minor speaking-on-the-phone-phobia. The thing is, I can't tell the person to call me. It needs to be figured out by them (and lard, this pronoun game is getting really difficult), I can't interfere. Bugger. I just hope those dreams will vanish, I'm getting tired of them. It's not that big of a deal, really. Only something that keeps slowly but steadily snowballing and it annoys me.
I just threw a way a good amount of asparagus soup. Don't know what happened to it, it was terrible.. need to think of something else for tomorrow.
Edit: Uh-oh. Milla just phoned and said this post sounded awful. Didn't mean to write it like that! Ooo-er... erm. It's really not a bad thing, just very annoying and mind-stealing. That's it. I'm done. Whee.
Edit 2: Argh. This is again one of those days when you can relate to every single song you hear.. :[
"I mean, who wouldn't have fallen asleep hugging a pillow." - Samu
Who indeed. I got this sudden loneliness fit last night. Couldn't even watch Four Weddings & A Funeral that was on telly and choose Conan O'Brien instead. But back to the fit, I don't know where the hell it came from.
Actually, I like doing things on my own. Yesterday I sat in a cafe for 30 minutes keeping myself company and loved every second of it. Today I'm taking myself to movies again. Of course, being alone and being lonely are two completely different things but you'd still think loneliness didn't attack you when you're going through the New Age of Independence or whatever.
I'm a bit lost with this actually. For the past few days I've been missing Liisa a lot. I've been thinking of last spring (those were the happy days even though I did get depressed quite often) and she was one of the most important people I had back then. And now I wish we could just sit down, have a big mug of cocoa and chat away.
What seems like a solution now is pack my things and move to Helsinki. It feels like all the people I want to be with and see are there, or at least very near, with a few exceptions (if you're reading this, you ought to know who you are *waves*). Really thinking of it, I know it's not a solution really. I know Helsinki doesn't equal perfect happiness, I'm not that naive. But right now it seems like it.
Monday, November 17, 2003
I don't get it. I was feeling alright today, I was singing in the traffic lights again even, and apparently still managed to appear angsty and stale.
I wish M's brother M would stop being everywhere. I saw him on the bus this morning. I'm fearing I might have to start saying hello or something.. Actually, local buses and school I get, but I why does he have to pop up in the strangest places? Another Black Sweater Guy. :|
Cathy was off sick today and so I could go to Christmas party meeting thingie instead of pronunciation class. A big mistake. Volunteered to decorate. Why?? Can't fight it.. I guess it runs in the family.
I mentioned my iron bar and rusty fork thought to Kari and Jaakko and the moment I'd said it, they started going "crowbar would be better, iron bar's too heavy blah blah blah..". Stupid rational people. Who said I was actually going to smash anyone's head? I just felt like it, and specially with an iron bar. Ha. Plus I've got more muscle than you'd think (though I am fully aware that even with my well hidden muscles I wouldn't be able to handle an iron bar too easily).
But as Kari and Jaakko are both men, they're doomed to burn in hell as well and I'll have my revenge >D
Naah, I'm over that already. It's like so last week.
That was a limbo. A new sense of humour wanted.
I got my photos back this morning. I love all the 27 of them though there are a few no one's ever going to see. And the princess party ones will probably be for Milla & Johanna's eyes only, they're hideous. But I love them all the same. And since I own a scanner (that was being all fucked today again, everything turned out a bit blurry), we'll have a photo fest. Whee. Photos in order, the first one dating back to Sept 27, the newest ones were taken last Friday. Share the joy.
She's the cutest!
Jam face & Sweat plump
Aren't we pretty? #1 & #2
Some pictures are doomed before they're even taken...
...whereas others turn out quite nicely against most odds.
Privet!!
WTF? part 1 and part 2
Red wine and the Doors may equal a terrible cliché but what can you do?
"Because you're in the gang!" Oi?! (and why does HE look sober? aerh)
Not drunk. Honestly.
Edit: just went through all the image files I've ever uploaded here.. surprisingly few - but most interesting.
Edit2: As is this. What the hell is it?
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Interesting train time today. I wrote four days' entries to my journal, read the piece for fiction 1, did some exercises for written, read Of Mice And Men (the whole book) and still had time to be bored. You can do wonders in 4½ hours if you want to.
Reading the book was good though. Now I don't have to feel like such a bum for not reading any Steinbeck in my life. A few more intellectual points earned.. Actually, I think they were my first. :)
And I just used a smiley. Arg. I want to get rid of using them. Can't help it. Aaaaa!
I want to curse all the men in the world to eternally burn in hell.
Read: I talked to Emppu.
Damn it. Her crushes = never good. I came home and what did I find? A long letter from her, dealing with the same thing. Sigh.. The effin' eedjit! (not Emppu) His behaviour makes me want to smash his head with an iron bar after I've digged out his eyeballs with a rusty fork. Lovely.
To other things, went to play billiards with Memma this afternoon. Conclusion? Still not my game. But it was a happy moment because I could pretend being in England. "I'm going to pub to play pool with Paul."
Really, it was nice. Good excuse to Talk about things. Sometimes she seems to be the only one who not only listens but also really understands my school crisis.
Oh, and before we knew it, we'd formed the Tip Club for Desperate Women. Heh.. surely it was unintentional (I mean, who's desperate? not us.) but can't deny the fun.
Memma: And then I sent this text message saying..
Hanna: Oooo! I've never tried that before! Instead I...
Let us hope the day I'd try out those tips shall never come.
My life seems to follow this certain rather sad pattern.
Come Friday (sometimes Thursday) and I'm all happy happy joy, going to Karkkila tra-la-la.. Friday evening's a blast and everything's great. Saturday's fine until I somehow develop a crisis about thing x and go home on a very bad mood. Sunday I can't concentrate on anything and go "uaaaaargh" most of the time. I take the Monday morning (or Sunday evening) train back to Joensuu, write my diary for written 1 for all the days I've missed, do some thinking and then mope. And mope. And mope. This goes on for a few days and then I decide next time will be different. I feel better, live my happy unlife in Joensuu and watch way too much telly. Come Friday (or sometimes Thursday) and I've forgotten all about the badness of last Saturday and am all happy happy joy, going to Karkkila tra-la-la.
Of course, variations of this exist. The thing x appearing on Sunday (or Friday even), napping on the train forgetting to do the thinking, moping just for one day, moping for over a week and so on. But the pattern still stays the same.
Arh.
Yesterday was alright (only had two beers, go me) until the thing x arrived. I've got to say that it was very interesting this time. Didn't see that one coming. Hm.
But I think it's good that I have to stay away from here for a while now. For several reasons.
Seeing Juuso last night was nice though. I hardly ever see him but when I do, he makes me laugh. But it requires some concentration to remember how different our worlds (and world views) really are. In the end I was way too pissed off to even try and I sort of lost him on purpose. Then me and Samu went to the park, sat there for a while, decided it was way too cold and came here to have a Russian vodka fest. We were going to talk about my life's being an arse and me being even a bigger arse but didn't quite get that far because most of the time we were praising his so very perfect girlfriend (and she's just that). When I finally got to my things, he had to leave because Anne's work shift ended. Blast.
Oh well. I can always raise my phone bill and send Suvi endless text messages.
I've been thinking about this actively since Thursday (and had a shortish traffic light conversation with Suvi on Friday).. why do people always think I'm a nasty person? I try to be nice but somehow always manage to give a) mean b) ignorant c) arrogant d) scary impression. I'm not the nicest person around, I know that, but that's pushing it a bit too far.
This post seems very angsty again. Weird. Thinking of my week pattern, this seems like a very good start of a Sunday actually.. I'm just very tired and minorly angsty. Whee.. I wonder if Memma has time for me today. Didn't talk to her much yesterday even though I really wanted to.
Oh, and on the hair front: it's way too short. Cannot cope. Really. But at least my roots aren't showing anymore - looking on the bright side of life :p
Saturday, November 15, 2003
No more booze for me. Ever again. I mean it. (yes this'll work, ho ho)
Erh. Hangover from hell. I can't remember when I last got so pissed.. Probably in 2001 or something. What can I say? Fun alright, but gracious, I'm so embarrassed. And my head aches.
But that was to be expected. Nothing good can come of the evening if it starts with me and Samu feeling nostalgic over my old New Kids on the Block LPs. Saara was here as well. It was nice seeing those two.. especially Saara, haven't seen her since summer. You could tell she was a bit lost with us though. She couldn't quite follow our traces of thought (I don't blame her, really)..
I'm proud of myself for getting home instead of going to some after party thingie, though. Now I can be all superior and nag at Milla, mwa-ha-ha.. I should be driving her to Nummela soon but have no idea how I'm going to pull it off. Really. I just want to decapitate myself and crawl under the duvet with my shaky hands.
And I do not want to see my phone bill. When will I learn to leave my phone home when going out?
Never.
But I will think of happy thoughts.. I'm going to have my hair cut and dyed today. Hooray! No more near-mullet hairdos with an inch of grey roots showing..
More happy thoughts: I can take that effing birthday film developed next week, it's finally full. With very important photos. I mean, who wouldn't want pictures of themselves with their friends' mothers? :p
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Uninteresting new experience of the day:
never before have I ironed my bra.
I had the most distressing dream about Johanna last night and even though in the end of the dream I realised it was only a dream, I still wasn't able to snap out of it. Intense. And I woke up with a killer headache. Not very relaxing sleep, was it? Ah, anyway. I had to send Johanna a text message the first thing in the morning to make sure she's alright. She was. I'll see her tomorrow.
Almost skipped pronunciation today (damn Suvi) but decided to go after all. I'm glad that I did. Roy gave me "that was very good" instead of "yeah, I'll have that". "Double bubble gum bubbles double." I hate tongue-twisters. I still have nightmares about the Sheila Shorter one and I had to do it two years ago..
Me and Suvi thought we'd run in the next parliamentary elections. We came up with various great themes already.
- You should get paid for job interviews!
- Student grant should be raised 500%!
- Eth and theta should be removed from the English language!
- Own Bono for everyone! (mine, Suvi didn't approve)
- Colin Farrell for Hanna! (mine, Suvi approved)
- Mullets and moptops illegalized!
- All the calories away from chocolate - consistency and taste stays the same!
- Joensuu to Southern Finland! (my personal favourite)
- More local buses to Rantakylä (which is now in Southern Finland)!
Can't remember the rest, Suvi's got them all written down, though. Now all we need is more people to join our little party. Only three of us at the moment and that's a shame since I have the logo design planned already. But there's no rush, the next election is three years away.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Rant:
I know it's probably not the best way to make amends, but I just vacuumed the whole apartment. And washed the kitchen floor. And the toilet. And the trash bin. And..
I swear, one of these days I'll snap. I'm not a cleaning freak either but this sty I call home.. erh. I like my flatmates but if they spill juice or something, the odds are it'll be there until I lose my nerve and clean it. I've tried not to do it but when it's been there for two weeks, gah. I don't think anyone's even vacuumed kitchen since I last did it and that was 4 weeks ago. Sigh. The happiness of sharing a flat :]
I feel like the biggest renegade on the planet. Arse.
I did hear it right yesterday, we were supposed to find new written groups until the end of the month. Greg's Wednesday group would be fine with me but I didn't want to go today (mainly because I hadn't eaten any breakfast, getting up was hard enough) so I told him I was going to see the doctor. How much more lame can you get?
Jaakko said it was a good excuse but I still feel crap.
Well, it is better than saying "I have to do laundry" which would've been true. Erm. Right.
Then I went to Siwa and bought tuna in tomato sauce. Question remains.. why? I don't need it. I just felt like buying something. Insert some really bad jokes here.
Mental note: sleep. More.
I've reached the stage again where everything's hilarious. It's so weird. But at least I'm not telling incredibly bad racist jokes again which is a good sign. It can be near fatal if you're in a company that doesn't know you too well.
Blast. I thought X-men would be on telly tonight but that's next week. Today it's some romatic comedy starring Andie McDowell. Meh.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Wha? What happened today? Arh!
I promised myself that if I got over 2 for my presentation, I'd go to see À la folie... pas du tout as a treat. I knew I couldn't really afford it after last weekend but this morning it didn't seem very likely I would even go.
To the amazing part of the story.
Effin 3-!
How? What? How?
My pronunciation was terrible (as it usually is when I get nervous), I was being illogical and forgot the conclusion entirely. Three minus? No offense but I sometimes wonder if everything's alright with Cathy's head. Ahem..
Read the feedback. Only negative comment: "work on the endings." I did work on the ending, I just forgot to say it.
Film was good though. I almost skipped it because I was hungry and hadn't got any richer during the day. Then I decided I wouldn't forgive myself if I'd skip the promised (and apparently earned) treat and went. It was nice. The last time I went out to see anything was Identity in September.. even though I miss my habit of seeing basically everything, it's nice to be able to avoid crapness that is Shallow Hal and the likes.
Poo. I just tried to phone Pekka but his phone was switched off. He'd sent me a message asking if I was aware that his little sister is dating Samu. Mwa-ha-ha..
What I wonder is that would he have sent the message if I hadn't sent him one earlier today asking his girlfriend's last name, ie would he have thought of me. It turns out that Minna here knows Pekka's girlfriend. Small world.
Burce's off sick again and so again I'm at school two hours too early. Two more hours to panic about the presentation (which seems to be getting worse every time I have a look at it). Arrrrrrg..
I'm eavesdropping again (it's becoming a Tuesday habit). These two teachers are talking about what can be done to our written 1 class. I can't hear quite everything. Hmm.. something about absorbing and other groups and.. We'll see.
British keyboard again. Wheeee..
Monday, November 10, 2003
Erm.. I guess it was inevitable. I'm now in the gallery as well.
Hmm. Just read through yesterday's entry. I sound like a basket case there. Though I do admit last night was pretty bad, I just walked back and forth swearing a lot. Ahem.. Then, inspired by Milla's How My Life Would Be Better Than Now list, I made a list of things I want to change.
Sounds a bit pathetic but it helped. Seeing the things I wrote down.. most of them are fairly realistic and it's really all up to me. Then I did some Pondering on the train this morning and now I actually feel pretty good. Like, I can make it happen, doodeedoo.. Also, I made myself to understand that I don't have to take stress of other people's problems all the time. I can be there and I can listen but I don't have to lie awake night after night thinking what I could do. It was about time.
Even school was fun today which is a bit extraordinary.
I'm not saying I could concentrate on the fiction lecture (I was scribbling to Suvi half the time) but at least it didn't feel too bad to sit there. Hooray, this is the beginning of New Life. Again.
I lost quite a bit of weight during the weekend. I forgot to eat and had a lot of beer and tea. Keep this diet and I'll look like Kate Moss by Christmas (surely). Except that I could replace the beer with tea as well. Mmm.. tea.
Not all the things are different. My presentation is still terrible. I'm trying to avoid the responsibility, ie rehearsing and making cards, but it's still haunting my thoughts. 20 minutes is all it would take. Then, tea.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Fuck.
I didn't just spend 5 hours in the bar on Sunday. Fuckfuckfuck.
It's all Juha's fault, really. Had he not asked me to go in the first place, I wouldn't have even thought of it. So three beers and three teas later.. GAH!
But it's good to have company where everything's just funny-ha-ha.. It keeps me from thinking all the miserable thoughts that are haunting my head constantly again. Arrrrh. Would someone please finally by me a new head? I know Mikko won't do it as he says he likes the current one too much but someone? Please?
All in all, though, it's been a fun weekend. I didn't get to talk to Samu (save some hour today when it was all happy surface talk, I was really looking forward to Talk to him, sometimes he understands me better than anyone) but all the other people sort of compensated. Like Tuuli. And Kaisa, who was visiting Juha again. I didn't really say much to her last time she was around so last night + today was nice. I like her. Ooo.. and me and Samu agreed to see each other without any distracting company next weekend. Maybe I'll blurt (is that a word? I'm pretty sure it's a word) all the Pain in the world to him then and feel much better. Hmmm.. now that's a thought to take me through another week.
Stupid issues.
Even in not Samu related thingies, going back to Joensuu tomorrow will be the same as always. I told Jaakko on Thursday I would come back as the Winner or a Mess. Looks like it's the Mess again. Effin annoying. But .. yeah. Yeah. I can panic to Suvi again. Already phoned her so she would show me some kind of forgiveness for my stupid behaviour or something. And told her to prepare for the worst tomorrow when she sees me before fiction 1. Ha.
Is this all the beer or the tea talking? I wouldn't know.
On positive side: I talked to some old friends I haven't really talked to in a long, long while and it was fun. I've missed them. I miss everyone. And everything. The stupid issues are sort of raising their ugly head again and eee.. I don't want to think about them.
I think it's the beer talking even though I'm not even tipsy really.
Hm.
I will write the rest of my presentation now. I will. But I'll shower first.
Edit: random shower thoughts.. why do I bother with make-up? I look pretty much the same with or without it.. Strangeness. It'd be easier and cheaper just to skip it, but I hardly ever do. Who invented it anyway? Grr.
Edit 2: my presentation is so, so bad. I'm embarrassed. And to think I actually have to give it on Tuesday. Bugger. Why did I ever go to that school? Why can't I ever concentrate properly? Why am I such a perfectionist by nature but still never act like one should? Arrrr.. it's like being back in Lahti and polemics & presentation classes again. Though I didn't take those half this seriously. Oh, and why didn't I take the 6:24pm train today? It would've made some things a lot less complicated. Why am I over here for the weekend anyway?
Edit 3: It's very late already but I can't sleep. Talked to Emmu, it helped a little as she had a lot of happy thoughts today. But I really need to learn to sleep, this is getting ridiculous. Someone already made fun of the bags under my eyes last week and all I could think was they'll get worse. And this not sleeping has various other effects besides the aesthetic ones.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
At granpa's. It's like time has stopped. Nothing ever changes. Telly time is now gone, soon I'll have to go downstairs and have tea. Then it's chitchat until the 10pm news after which everyone's supposed to go to bed. Up early in the morning, breakfast, chitchat, lunch.. Only that we'll have to leave after 10am because I have a train to catch. Hooray.
I'm glad I don't have to go to Karkkila with mum and Jussi by car this time. Sure it's cheaper but Jussi's habits are driving me nuts. Seriously. Can't he drive a car without biting his nails or picking his nose all the time? Arrrrh.. The 15 minutes from Simpele to granpa's and I was fed up already.
Need to phone Samu early enough tomorrow so he won't have prior engagements (and don't I sound official.. har). I've decided to see him tomorrow and don't know what I'd do if he couldn't see me. I sound like Pleasentville. Get. A. Life.
Boring school thing but it gave me a happy:
I rule the pronunciation class, mwa-ha-ha! We had fricative sounds today (eth and theta) and even though I always mess up the revision part when Roy's listening, I didn't this time - he let me go with only eight sentences without having to re-read any. Wee-oooot! Good for me he didn't decide to check our pronunciation with word lists including "twelfth", "sixths", "widths" and "depths". As if "clothes" wasn't difficult enough :/
My mind is.. somewhere else.
Has been the whole day.
Need to figure out a way to control my thoughts.
Aaaaaaa!
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
I wonder wheter Kari is a generally nasty person or just hates me. I need to start avoiding his company in the mornings though.. he makes me see red. I don't know. He just puts me on the defense mode even though I know I don't need to prove him anything. If he thinks my life's dull and I'm a brainless cow, it's alright. I'm convinced he blow dries his hair. Ha.
Even though I was still on a really bad mood today (I know most of this is plain biology but I'm starting to fear there's more to it than that..), I voted at school today. And I finished A Brief History of American Culture. And did my sit-ups. And went to see Kubrick's The Killing with Suvi. I am a Good Person (trademark).
On the downside, I didn't prepare my presentation for next Tuesday or clean the flat (it's not really my turn but our kitchen looks disgusting) but had a chocolate bar and cocoa. Still, I've still decided to maintain the Good Person (trademark) status.
Ooo. I also got a screencap of each BtVS season 6 episode to post to the James site. I didn't remember the season had so much naked Spike. Meh. I remember participating in some Shirtless Spike campaign years ago but too much is too much, honestly. I like the leather jacket. I want to see the leather jacket.
Got a letter from Ippe today and it made me smile. The letter itself wasn't too cheery (but cheerier than the last one I received) but she sent me our own lyrics (here - only in Finnish though) we wrote to Anssi Kela's Puistossa in... eee.. September 2001? The badness of it! But I remember the writing being a blast - and most importantly totally spontaneous. I sort of miss those times.. I don't miss the part of being depressed but I miss Ippe's company and staying up way too late talking about cream/sperm doughnuts and other equally important things. And I miss the way I looked back then. I looked like a girl instead of this androgynous hybrid monster I am now (the manliness crisis is here again - it doesn't matter what Mikko or anyone else has to say).
It's almost 11pm and I still have loads of things to do before I go to bed. Arrrr.. I just never seem to learn how to use my time effectively.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Why do I own only two nice pairs of jeans? No, rephrase: two nice-looking pairs of jeans. Bargh. As I've been using the light ones the whole week, I'm forced to take the black ones with me for the weekend (which in a way is nice because they're more comfortable anyway). And it bugs me because I always take the black ones for the weekend. Blaaagh.
I'm blogging about jeans. It's not like I don't have a life or anything..
Actually, I'm trying to keep my thoughts away from the life stuff. I've been on a really bad mood the whole day (starting from the moment that I realised I went to school two hours too early because Bruce was ill again) and thinking of Real Things seems to make matters only worse.
So jeans, lalalala..
Finding FSM's Welcome Home again inspired me to listen Thrown to the Wolves as well. What a disappointment! It's stilla very nice album (and I still love She Knows) but Welcome Home is so much better. Very important opinions.. Maybe I ought to shut up.
But before that.
I wish I'd never read the lyrics of GotR's German.Jew. Gaaaah.. I liked the song. Now I just think it's silly. Old bookself? Oh, come on..
Monday, November 03, 2003
Meh.. Suvi showed me a photo she took of me and Jaakko three weeks ago. Jaakko looks half scary half funny in the background but me.. eeee. Once again I got a reminder that I am not slim. Blast. I tend to forget it every once in a while and those are the happy times.
I wonder if I should start doing those sit-ups again?
Mentioning Jaakko, we were discussing Dracula today before fiction 1 and thinking of that conversation made me giggle twice during the lecture and once in traffic lights after school. I'm starting to get used to the fact that people stare at me because I smile when I walk alone but giggling is a whole new deal. Anyway.. "the castle is the best. I mean, it's like Nightmare Before Christmas, right? Only that there it's supposed to be like that but Dracula's castle is supposed to be all majestic and stuff and then you see this blrrrb."
Jaakko: But you've got to admit that the film is quite impressive.
Hanna: Come on! Name one thing in it that's impressive that is not Gary Oldman!
Jaakko: Anthony Hopkins.
Hanna: Fair Enough.
What I find amazing is that there are people who can babble me to a good mood in ten minutes. And that's saying something. Suvi and Jaakko would be two of those people. Give them candy.
Random note: I went to #sunnydale today again and either I always choose the worst moments to go there or then the Finnish Buffy fans are awfully quiet. Hm.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
WHAAAAA??? Damn you, Barnaby!
He just ate my post again. Why does he hate me so much??
Wonderous.
I've spent the entire weekend in my room in Joensuu and still I'm having the weekly Karkkila bar crisis. I'm getting a bit too good at this. But really.. funny people going out, even funnier people hitting on the funniest people and eeee..
After talking to three different people it's settled. I shall pack my beloved Eastpak and go there next weekend. And I will stop at granpa's on the way. I haven't visited him since I moved here so it's about time.
I vaguely remember getting a text message from Jarkko last night and even replying to it (and misspelling a word but being too much asleep to correct it) but I have no idea what it was about. Was Brian Slade mentioned or was I dreaming it? Hmm. Possibly it was about a Halloween costume but I couldn't say.. As Emmu put it, for all I know, I might have agreed to go on a two-year holiday with him. Can I be bothered to phone him and ask? No.
Both Emmu and Emppu told me that Samu was missing me last night. He knew bloody well I was over here for the weekend. Arg. But I'll phone him on Friday afternoon, he's in my People to See top3 anyway. Plus I feel like going to Pässi for a pint and if we don't count Johanna, Samu is the only one of my friends who's willing to go there.
Happy Buffy news: Flooded was on telly today. That means the Troika finally on Finnish TV screens. Happy dance! I've missed the super villains, mwa-ha-ha-ha.. :) Stupid VCR, though. I only have about half of the episode taped and it's on two separate tapes. It's not really my happy technology day, is it?
I've had a Buffy weekend anyway. I've organised a few of the old tapes and re-watched some season 4 episodes (and once again I've been reminded I don't have Wild at Heart or A New Man on tape, balst). The plot may have been a bit questionable but at least it was a season full of fun. I've missed the funny. Nothing beats the Initiative. Honestly.
Edit: the old post has been re-discovered! Arrrrr.. maybe Barnaby was feeling sick? Or then we've got a new monster entirely. A prankster monster. Appears to be Barnaby and then gives the original post back when you've written a new one.. I name him Karl.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
It's not really my day today. I forgot it was Halloween and went happily to buy some bread only to realise the shops aren't open today. So I walked around a little while and then went to see how my sheets are doing in the drying room. It turns out someone had stolen them. Argh.
Why would anyone want to steal my sheets? Stupid people.
Ah anyway, then I came home thinking of tomato soup and only then remembered it needs milk to be perfect and I of course don't have any. So I cooked something else. But as a revenge towards the society, I put lots of garlic to my food. Ha. If someone steals my sheets, the least I can do is smell bad. Basic Hanna logic.
I tried to watch Dancer, Texas pop. 81 today but couldn't concentrate on it. How come I didn't know Ethan Embry was in it?? That's the sort of thing I am supposed to know. I guess watching Dancer, Texas would've been pushing it a bit though.. I only watched Can't Hardly Wait on Wednesday. :)
Which reminds me, the way Peter Fascinelli pronounces "s" drives me nuts.
Bram Stoker's Dracula is on telly today and I have no idea if I can be bothered to watch it. On one hand, Gary Oldman is always Gary Oldman and I really have nothing better to do. On the other, the film is bad. And I don't know if I'll be able to cope with Keanu's "acting". Eee. I'll probably end up watching it but falling asleep before it's even halfway through.
I've been evil today and claimed I've been offline the whole day in order to avoid this certain person. I feel terrible since I know I would've been needed but I decided to have a day off of other people's issues. Then I got a crisis e-mail from Milla and my plan was shattered. But that's sister responsibility so it's ok.
Do I want some popcorn? I want some popcorn.
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