Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Back in Finland. I'm in hysterics. Morning was fine even though I didn't feel like seeing anyone but the afternoon has been terrible. Cried about 75 minutes and then finally managed to leave the flat.
If I thought I felt bad before going to Russia, I don't know how to describe this. I miss the group already and it's only been 7 hours since I left the train. I don't know. I'm so lost. Want to go to Karkkila for May Day but then again there's no point because the time with my friends over here is very limited. We'll be here only for a few more weeks and then it will all be over.
I hate this. I hate things ending. Aaaargh.
ps. Russia = lovely. We were treated like popstars though.. it was very strange to give out autographs and pose for the pictures but it was good fun because we knew it wouldn't go on forever.
Too tired to type.
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Filled in the application forms for three universities. I don't know why, I'm never going to get in anyway. Says the little miss Self-Esteem. But everyone else seems to be doing so great and that bugs me.
This guy I used to know when we were little is doing quite well in the show business at the moment and I have no idea how to handle it. It is so strange. On one hand I like the stuff he does and he's very good at it. On the other I couldn't stand him when we were kids. He was one of the meanest, possibly even the meanest 10-year-old I've ever met, and he seemed to loathe me with passion so towards me he was extra nasty. I don't know.. On personal level I have nothing good to say about him, except that he's pretty, but I can't deny the fact he's got the talent. Annoyance. I'd much rather he was just a load of crap.
Let's just hope he's a nicer person now than when he was 10. Then I could think he deserves his success.
ps. I've heard he is nicer nowadays, as a matter of fact. But those comments have come from people he never had anything against in the first place.
It's depressing to realise how shallow I am. And how much I love owning things. Milla phoned me this morning and asked how I was feeling about the trip and everything. I was all like "I hate it, I don't want to go, I am so pissed off and have nothing to wear". Then an hour later she had bought me a new beautiful denim skirt and I was the real Miss Smiley again and felt nice about leaving and everything.
Actually this is nice. Any time I feel bad, I just buy something - or let others buy something for me - and I'm alright again.
It's really not cure for everything but for minor headaches yes. It just stinks when you're broke, like I am now. I owe both my sister and her friend 60 euros each and I can't even bear the thought of what I might owe my dad if he was keeping track. I'm quite certain he is but he'd never let me know about it. Well, at least I know what I will do with the money I'll earn this summer :]
Time to flee again. I'm meeting rest of the group in 15 minutes. Kashira, here we come.
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
you make websites! HTML whore!
what kind of junkie are you?
I wish those tests would tell me something new...
Hehheh.. My sister's testing her friend's new camera phone and sent me the picture she took of herself by e-mail. I so want to post it here but I know she would kill me if I did it. So maybe I'll just let the message linger and hope that I will get a virus that would send the e-mail to everyone I've ever e-mailed. No, that was mean, the evil side of me talking. I'll just let the whole thing be.
I saw Emilia today. Exhausting 2½ hours that was.. We see each other so rarely we've always got lots to talk about but still, even though we talk non stop all the time we're together, we're none the wiser about each other's current lives when we say goodbye. But at least now I know how she got together with her boyfriend. And she gave some feedback of our show, mostly good too.
All in all, the feedback has been nice. I mean the little of it we've actually got. People seem to come to see the show and go, which is a shame really, because I would love to hear their opinions. But I've heard a few people have told someone else, who has later told me, that they've liked me. And that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.. Makes me feel a bit less insecure about being on the stage. I love it there but am always certain everyone hates me. But now I've heard such comments as "born comedian" and "lovely" and I feel great. We even got great reviews in the local papers even though the other one forgot to mention my sister.. Of course, she's not that important. She's only the director and coreographer and the whole thing is based on her ideas alone. So pffffft, you can leave her out easily. < /sarcasm >
Maybe I shouldn't worry about losing J-P and Pekka anymore. The two have their private sauna party tonight (the two of them, sauna, CSI, football and lots and lots of beer) and have been phoning me various times for just as many reasons. They've wanted the number of pizza place, more beer (I did get them some) and a few times they've just wanted to chat. If you call endless laughter and yelling a chat that is.. Such sweeties, both of them really.
Pekka. Hold on, J-P wants to say something to you.
Hanna: Okay..
*long silence*
J-P: Heeeey..
Hanna: Hey.
J-P: Just wanted to say that I really like you very much.
Hanna: And that is so nice.
J-P: Don't you like me at all?
Hanna: Yes, I do like you.
J-P: That's everything I had to say.
More immortal lines.. "Hanna, you're so great, thank you for the pizza number!!!" "And thank you for bringing us more beer, you're our best friend." "This is the real life, not some stupid Hollywood CSI life. This is football, the mother of all team sports. And father."
They were both so wasted.. Pekka was just plain lovely but J-P was even better because he tried his best to act sober and make Pekka look like a fool. He failed miserably. I know him too well, his eyes give him away instantly. The eyes and lines like "Of course her sister knows about this, moron! I told her about this tomorrow already!" Awww.. I love my boys. I sat there a bit over an hour to keep them company. We watched CSI and then I went home.
Which was a good choice because even though I know I won't be able to sleep at all, I've got at least a slight chance to relax.. it'll be a really long day tomorrow. Actually, it'll be really long days until Tuesday.
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
I feel good but empty, which is a rather strange combination. The show today was alright and after we'd cleaned the place up (collected the chairs and dance carpet thingie and table and everything) I was a bit lost. It's great to know that it's not over yet - Russia, here we come!
What I am afraid of is that after the trip I will lose this group of people I have learnt to love. I'm not going to lose Milla, that's for sure, but all the others.. I'm so scared they will go missing. I know that I have practically nothing in common with Tiina, Mari and Marjo because of the age already (they're 13, 14 and 15) and we're probably not going to keep in touch anyway. But Pekka, J-P and Johanna are the ones I worry about the most. Finding Pekka and J-P is great because I've really missed them, and finally getting to know Johanna, even though I've known of her 8 years already, and we were in the same class for 3 years and everything... This is very unnerving.
I do not want to lose those three. Full stop.
Then again, me and Johanna were taking the anti-hepatitis A shots today to our buttocks. If we can do that together, I'm sure we'll be able to keep in touch. That is very interesting moment to share with someone, by the way. Can't say I recommend it, but it did cause some giggles. A lot of giggles.
Have you ever realised how many different thing the word "shot" actually means? I just started thinking about it and had to check. See! Very interesting..
Edit: Oh. My. God.
I used to have this poster when I was around 9, but it disappeared with all my other beloved band posters later. I might have to join this fanlisting tomorrow. He was the coolest. It still stings me he's married. It is so unfair. I guess he didn't realise I loved him with all my 9-year-old heart. Sigh.
Monday, April 21, 2003
Aha. It all makes sense to me now.
Hanna: I got the weirdest text message this morning.
Pekka: Ooo.. did you hear about the police trying to catch the people who've been sending those "somebody likes you" messages?
Hanna: And calling that number is about bazillion euros, right?
Pekka: Yeah, three something.
J-P: So what was the message like, the one you got?
Hanna: It was that one.
Maybe I should follow the news or something.
Performances over for today. First time not bad, second time a lot better. Fucked up the singing and decided to forget the backing vocals and just sing the lead with Johanna. It doesn't suffer too much and I feel better. I wanted to write to Emily because I got home early but now I've got such a bad headache I can't bring myself to do it (you know when the stress and excitement disappears, all you're left with is an achey head - and very sore muscles if you've been dancing). Tomorrow then..
I've got Wednesday completely free and we won't leave until 5:30pm on Thursday night so I've got lots of time to restore my internet life. Now all I want to do is sleep.
What the hell??
Everybody knows the stupid Crushmaster thingie, right? Right. This morning, at 7:30, I noticed I'd gotten a text message like that. "Someone you know has got a crush on you and asked us to contact you. If you want to know who it is, phone this number." Part of me is very tempted to phone and see who's the moron trying to pull my leg this time, part of me just wants to ignore it.
I don't get those services. More importantly, I don't get the people who use those services. Why would anyone want to do it? If this message is real, which I doubt, I just wouldn't want to know. I mean, at this age, I'd expect people be at least that much mature they'd go and say something themselves.
Great opinions from a person who would never say anything herself.
But I would never send that kind of message either.
I was approved for yet another fanlisting. I'd forgotten all about it but now when thefl.org is going through new staff changes again (I'm getting a new category as well, good bye beloved producers), Summer replied in no time. Oh well. I will start building it tomorrow.
I was going to reclaim the comedians category as that is one of the categories going through the staff change and it was after all my original category. But it turns out they're dissolving it too, so there it goes. Oh well. As long as I've got at least one, I don't care.
Today will be hectic. Why else would I be blogging before 9pm when it's really a national holiday and nobody should be even awake yet..? It's the opening night today and I am very nervous. We're going to bake some pulla for the buffet at 10am and after that clean the stage and backstage and then arrange the chairs for the audience and rehearse and whatnot. The first performance is at 4pm, the second at 6.
It's not the dancing part that I'm afraid of, I know I can handle that, but the singing. Argh. I mean, I know I can do it, but I am not a singer. I sing all the time but nobody cares if I do it completely out of tune (or perhaps the poor listeners, but that is not the point). This is the first time ever I've sung like this and that makes me so nervous and right the second me and Johanna are going to sing something different (ie me doing the backing thing), I know I will fuck it up. Trying to be confident. Trying. Failing. Noooo..
Sunday, April 20, 2003
I just realised I was putting on foundation when all I'm going to do today is go to the hairdresser's, who's my sister's friend, and then rehearsals where I will be sweating all the make-up off anyway. What is wrong with me? Some time ago, all I used was some powder and mascara and now it's the whole set every single time I'm going somewhere. It's scary.
Maybe it's because I took a quick look at the old Manchester photos and realised the reason I looked hideous and all the other girls looked very nice was that I was the only one skipping the foundation part. My skin is terrible anyway.
In terms of skin and nail care, I am very unfeminine. I've often thought I was meant to be a man (I can still remember the "Hanna and the other boys" thingie that was happening when I was around 18). Then again, in some matters, I'm incredibly vain.
And why am I talking about this? Maybe it's my feminine side trying shout out she still exists.
But as I already started talking about the looks, let's continue there for a while. My hair. I thinking of going back to ginger. I miss my red-red hair. It's been dark brwon, almost black, for so long, I want to do something different for a change. Then again, my sister's got the coolest hair now and I want it. Blast. Lucky thing she's got long hair and I've got short, otherwise we'd look too much alike.
Really. It was scary. Last night I saw the video of our performance that was filmed while I was in Oxford and my sister replaced me in it. She looked exactly like me, but with wrong hair. Even we got confused.
Hanna: Look, Johanna and J-P are already in that part where as we are still doing that, I mean you are.
Milla: And look at Pekka and you there, no that is me. That is me.
And normally all I see is vague resemblance if anything at all. Really makes you feel like an individual.. :]
Saturday, April 19, 2003
Never leave the fridge unguarded.
Mum has eaten all my peanut butter.
I was going to update the fanlistings and cliques and everything but I'm too lazy. I will do it today, I promise. At least I will start it today.
As Dustin seems to like it when I mention him here, I shall do it again.
I was surfing Dustin's weblog today.. He's talking awfully lot about me. That is a bit scary, but whatever. At least this time I know the person who keeps mentioning me, so it's all good. The things he said though.. I couldn't help but laugh. He summed me up quite nicely (though I just need to say this because many people don't seem to realise it: there's more to me than the Internet).
Speaking of Dustin's site, sweet cheese, the photos! I shared this with Pekka, poor guy, yesterday already but I still find it terribly disturbing. I am a boob monster. Anita had a scary pic of me as well. I'm half seriously starting to consider a surgery or something..
I have to get back to that "there's more to me than the Internet" sentence. It is so weird. Apparently, some people find me very interesting. Before we went to Oxford, at least 3 people told me they thought I was wise and interesting in the same week. That was so strange. There was this one guy I've known of so long but haven't really ever known him and we just happened to chat at the bar for a few minutes and he goes like "you know, I've always thought you're very interesting." What was I supposed to say? "Thanks, I've never really thought about you at all." So I just let it be.
We're (Milla, Johanna and Emppu) are going out tonight again. Third time this week.. Funny thing is that Tuesday was the most expensive as I actually bought two pints, one of them very expensive (but it was Kilkenny so it was understandable). Wednesday was very cheap. I don't know about today.. Thinking of it, it has to be cheap because at the moment, I'm completely broke. I've got 40 euros to live with until the 4th of May. I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but whatever. Money talk is depressing.
I think I might have to come up with some system to separate all the Johannas I know from each other. There's the Johanna in Lahti, the Johanna in Karkkila, the Johanna who does my friend and several others I don't mention so often. It starts to be very confusing, even for me.
Johnny English = not so good. Few giggles in the beginning, boring part in the middle and a funny ending. But Rowan Atkinson's got the best facial expressions, you can't deny that.
Oh, and the Oxford photo page is here.
Thursday, April 17, 2003
Oh grief. I need a new head. In a nutshell: I went to the worst trendy-trend club of Lahti last night wearing green fishnet stockings and red Looney Tunes boxer shorts.
It was the Freak Out night but hardly anyone was dressed in anything else than ordinary party clothes. But us, boxers shorts and stockings, all three of us (that is Liisa, Mari and myself). And then we partied like there was no tomorrow until 3:30am with Johanna, Karoliina, Marie, Pasi and bunch of other people. One thing's for sure though: that was the last time I take my camera with me. I really don't want to get yesterday's photos back.. I actually took two pictures of this one guy's hair because I think it's so pretty (all the wine we drank of course had nothing to with this).
Anyhooo.. because of the whole last night deal I am very tired right now. I mean very. But I don't want to go to bed yet. I'm making this little site for the Oxford photos and it's so much fun. Except the colours.. orange and yellow it is again. I'm obsessed!
Big news of the day: I'm in love with M. Heavenly. Correction, I'm in love with his album. It's just.. so very good. After about 2 minutes of pondering it through, I bought it last Tuesday (note: do not let Hanna and Visa Electron go out unguarded). I was a bit scared of being disappointed because I'd never heard his songs on the radio or anything, just the one time when he was opening for the Ark. But there was really no reason for it, the album is beautiful.
Breathe is still my favourite song on the album. And that's not only because of the fact I've been singing it obsessively since the gig.
But it's getting annoying. I've bought so many good albums lately I don't have time to listen to them all.
But this is just the beginning, breathe out, breathe in... <3
I saw my sister today and she had lots of new things about the Russia trip to tell me. It sounds so great but strange as well. I'm starting to be convinced I don't want to go but it's way too late now.. :| And I honestly wonder what the hell the Friday activity "meeting with the schoolboys" means.. Hmm.
I'm on such a good mood all the time it's getting very scary. I just dance around the flat and sing and smile and speak non-stop. And today when our train was 55 minutes late, I didn't even get annoyed even though it was freezing (the wind is evil at this time of the year). Back to the beginning. I need a new head, preferably one with actual brains in it. Wonder if they sell any in the same place Inka wants to find a new face...
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
It is most difficult to break out from the old habits, let me tell you. In Oxford we used to go out almost every night and now we're planning to go out a) tonight b) tomorrow. Most of us will do it next weekend also. It's not about getting really pissed, most of us just get slightly tipsy if at all, but it's still very weird.
And now when we're finally really bonded, school is ending and quite a few are ending it even earlier (read: Jade quit already, Silja and Marie are just about to, meanies). And some morons are taking time off and travelling to Russia... :p More seriously: Nooo! I will miss my friends.
'tis funny how the cheapest pub we could find in Oxford was called The Goose. The cheapest one in here is (with straight translation) The Goose's Son. Now all we need to do is to find Return of the Goose somewhere :D
Me and Inka rented Hedwig and the Angry Inch yesterday and now I have finally seen it. Only took me like ages... I liked it a lot. I wasn't quite following all of it, but that's probably because my mind was somewhere else, mainly because of a rather disturbing phone call that I got from my childhood friend. But it didn't matter that much, the music was great and the film was pretty. And how come I didn't know Michael Pitt is in it? And what else? At least people can now stop telling me I should see it.
Off to the library I am.
Monday, April 14, 2003
Got the photos and now I wish I was at home with my scanner. Noooo..
They're lovely. Well, most of them are. Hooray. I am a photographical genius.
Virve, I get that spam too. It's everybody's favourite, really. "Hello, I just moved near you and would like somebody to show me around the US." Alrighty..
I am doing laundry and even though there's no place for me to dry it, I am happy. Tomorrow I will actually have some clean clothes, which alone is awesome, and I might even have difficulties in deciding what to wear. Something that hasn't happened in a good long while.
We've been so annoying today with the whole England thing. We were even annoying ourselves so we had to take it one step further.
"You know, I'm quite confused which way to look when crossing the road because I've just been in England."
"Now those are nice socks you're wearing, did you by them somewhere in England?"
"What you just said reminds me of something Dustin said last week, you know the guy we met when we were in England."
"Oh, I feel like some crisps but the bags here are huge, not nice small ones like they have in England."
"I'm going to get my England photos now, so you can see what it was like in England."
It went on about half an hour.. quite exhausting really.
Then we went to Stephanie's lesson and she asked all these questions about our time in England. Bargh..
Jade's packed all her things and our room looks terrible. It's so depressing because all the nice things that made it homey was hers. Now me and Inka are left with this huge blank room with no rugs or colorful bedcovers or big pillows. I don't want to go back there.. it makes me feel like crying. Shoot.
Finland. Home sweet home. Actually, I don't mind being back here. Staying in Oxford would've been lovely, but right now I don't care so much. Except for the people I almost got to know. It was so weird to leave right when there was always someone to say hello to on the bus.
The three things I am extremely happy about right now are the breakfasts, showers and toilets. England, I love you, but those three things need serious improving. Honestly.
One more thing that might need some improving is the legal system.
I find it amusing I might acutally be prosecuted for an unpaid TV lisence in the UK. Wow. All I did was answer the door when there was a knock on it while Kim wasn't at home. And before I even knew it, the TV lisence lady was asking me all these questions I didn't know the answer to (how many channels, is there a satellite and stuff) and saying I might be prosecuted even though I'm not the owner of the effin telly.
Alright.
I just checked my comments and this poor blog site looks horrendous with 256 colours.
Hold on. Everything looks horrendous with 256 colours..
Why on earth would somebody want to use that??
Oh no.. my mailbox! I've abandoned it so badly lately. And haven't in fact checked it at all since last Wednesday (I think). Let's see.. spam, spam, spam, a few personal e-mails, some site related stuff, more spam, fanlistings staff yahoogroup e-mails I don't have time to go through, and yet more spam. Hurrah! One of the spam e-mails had the best subject though.. "Blast, the number one online club for kids" - it seems like Virve got a bit more she bargained for ;)
I can't believe how tired I was last night. All I did was sitting in various vehicles, including a taxi, two coaches and a plane. But when I finally got home to Lahti, I was so exhausted I coudn't do anything (I did unpack my suitcase before I went to bed which was quite amazing, usually it takes me up to two weeks or something). So I opened the telly and Angel was on. I haven't watched Angel in a good long while and it was so nice to watch it again.. it even was one of those season 2 episodes I hadn't seen before (where Darla is turned again and Angel gets a bit evil), it was great. I really started missing that show. Too bad I can't watch it for two weeks now.. :|
I just want to blog about everything but it would be quite pointless as I am in very random state right now. I want to go to Karkkila... aaaaagh. Hurry, Thursday, come soon!
Edit: I am away a few weeks and during that time, Pekka has closed his site. Blast. But whatever suits him best... :|
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Oh blast. I buy the CD despite the price and am most happy for it. Then I come here and find out you can get it from Finland. Mind you, I did get a few pouds off the price with me student card and didn't have to pay for the shipping so it's all good.
This two weeks is insane.
And I've bought loads and am so poor at the moment... grief! But I am having a good time so I guess I shouldn't worry about the money. Right? Right.
Me and Mari went to see The Recruit yesterday and now I've got her mildly celebrity crushing on Colin Farrell too. I am good. Mwa-ha-ha. The film was alright too.. I never imagined I might actually enjoy a CIA film, but wonders never seem to cease.
I've got to buy some Cadbury's drinking chocolate to take home with me. And the evil side4 of me wants to buy marmite for dad. Actually, I think he might like it.. He's known for liking some really weird things, let me tell you. So I guess marmite's alright.
Dinner's awaiting so I am going. Another tequila night this evening. Phew..
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Still alive though my internet time is very limited..
Having a blast.
Found Four Star Mary's new CD and now I've got a dilemma wheter to buy it or not.
+ I really want it
+ I can't get it from Finland
- £15.99!!!!
I know I'll end up buying it anyway but the price is a bit frightening..
Tequila shots for 50p = evil.
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