Monday, September 30, 2002
Despiting the apathy, I had a nice birthday. I got some really nice things and people were really nice to me even thought I felt very ancient. Most of the time I spent moping around, though.. It's the same thing every year.
Teehee.. I just found the most perfect birthday present for Mikko. I know he's not supposing me to buy him anything, but I know he'll love it, I just couldn't pass it. I can't wait for it to arrive! Maybe I ought to keep it myself. Naah, can't do that.
To my last post.. I've decided to skip Hellu's advice entirely. There's a but and it's a way bigger but than I can ignore. So, bad. Badly it goes concerning that little thingie. But I don't care, I'm feeling fine.
Thursday, September 26, 2002
Hellu's advice: seize the day. Try it.
Thank you very much, dear, but I don't think so. I don't want a complete fool of myself, plus I don't want to ruin something I like. Arg.
There's this poem that has been going around my head all day. It's very good but needs some, well, detailing, finishing. It's mine. I can't believe it. I've actually made up a poem! Wow! I haven't done that since I was.. what 16, 17?
I was feeling great today. Then I got an e-mail that depressed me a lot. I feel like such an evil person, but there are some things I'd rather do than others. I have my reasons. I'm also having a crisis. I was plucking my eyebrows the other day and spotted a wrinkle. Call it a laugh line or whatever, all you want, but I call it a wrinkle. I can't wait for my first grey hair.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
Blaaagh.. I am forced to do some laundry tonight as I'm completely out of clean clothes. Me and Hellu are joining forces, so hurrah!, today our dark clothes will become all fresh and anew, tomorrow it's time for more colors.
I cannot believe I actually wrote that. I mean, just how boring is my life at the moment?
Anna-Leena's leaving for Scotland soon. I am the most envious. Need to e-mail her and tell some more fantabulous Scottish related things I've learnt this week. I am the Scotland traveller's best friend.
Come to think of it, my life's not really boring. It's just strange. We (me and two other girls from our group) spent the whole lunch break reading English poetry to each other. It was fun. But very odd.
Monday, September 23, 2002
Whee! Computer! Oh, just how much have I missed thee?!
I've become the common shoulder of the dorm. Not that I mind. I like listening to people and talking to them, it's just funny. There are some people I don't even know too well and they come to me with their problems.
I atke it it's just not the best of times to any of us. My own head is about to explode but I'll keep it in until I see Emmu or Emppu again. They know most of that stuff already anyway.
Someone just described their condition to me as "loveless stage". It was well said. I know exactly what the person was talking about. And I find myself playing the pronoun game... funny. It's been ages since I've last done it. The situation was somewhat personal though so if it happens that anyone we both know reads this, I won't feel like I'm telling everything forward.
Blaagh.
I learnt this fantabulous thing today. Excellent in Scottish. Barry.
Thursday, September 19, 2002
I had terrible nightmares last night. When I have nightmares, I don't see any scary monsters or anything. My nightmares are things that could actually happen (and I'm not saying monsters don't exist, I know for a fact they do. Proof? Barnaby.) and they're really distressing. All day I've just wanted to throw up.
Plus my stomach aches. My friends are trying to make me to go to see the doctor, but naaah. Not as long as I can still walk at least somehwat decent (and at least most of the time..).
It's been one really bad day. Everything's all bad.
I really miss my Scribble. I never thought I would say this, but I really miss it. I wrote to it more freely. I didn't care if other people read it, it just didn't matter. Now I care. Suddenly the whole blog seems so pointless. What do I do with this anyway?
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Aaaah! I think I'm losing it. I've tried to keep my thoughts away from this place, just because so many people read it, but I can't any longer. I just need to write. And my diary is no help. Aaaaaaagh!
Writing in the school's computer lab is a pain though. I feel paranoid. Yesterday I came up with some nice cover names, like Mr Zorbas, just to annoy all the possible lurkers (because, of course, everyone's so interested in my things).
The weird thing is that everyone in the dorm seem to know, or at least have even some kind of idea, what's bugging me even though I've told no one. I don't get it. Am I really that shallow and easy to read? Some of those people are happily misleaded though. They make me laugh.
Emmu is coming to visit me today. Good. She's officially my second head, so I can blurt everything out. It probably won't make me feel any better but at least I've doubled this confusion and know someone else is just as confused. Cheerio.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Sari told me yesterday that occassionally I'm scary. Wow. I never knew. After that I've asked a few people..
Hanna: Am I scary?
Mikko: No. Hey, hold on. You were at first, for the first two days or so. I never knew if you were kidding or not, you know, your humour without even smiling.
*5-10 minutes pass*
Hanna: My humour??
And Jade said that at first she thought I didn't like her. Weird! And honestly, this is making me feel paranoid.
I still haven't seen Signs. Maybe today, or tomorrow. If not, I doubt I'll go to see it in theatres at all. I'll just wait for the video. Typical.
Sunday, September 15, 2002
I'm listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. Roxanne. I can't understand how much I actually like this song. 'tis weird.
My throat is sore. Noo! Just when I thought the flu was going away. Apparently not. Maybe speding the whole evening with Emppu & Emmu was a mistake.. bonus though: Lilo & Stitch was a very cute film. Different from what I thought it would be but cute.
I've been feeling like such a party poop lately. I don't know what's happened. I'm just not interested anymore.. extreme weirdness. I went to bar with the girls tonight and left after about 30 minutes. The 18-year-old me would laugh. Than goodness I'm not 18 anymore.
Saturday, September 14, 2002
I just purchased a Woody Allen film.
Extremely odd.
Celebrity for 5 euros.
That's odd too.
Friday, September 13, 2002
At home for the first time in two weeks. Hmmm. Feels strange. The room doesn't feel right anymore. The place is cold and I feel like I was staying in someone else's room. Yes, even though I can see all my stuff here, from hobbit figurines to posters and paintings, from stuffed animals to old study books and the mushroom hat. Still, none of this stuff seems to belong to me.
Today, like so many times before, I was thinking that I must be the most annoying person to talk to.
person: blah blah blah.
Hanna: This reminds me of the time when I--
person: ok. but anyway, this problem--
Hanna: Memememememememe!
If I met me for the first time now, I wouldn't like me. Myself. Her. Whatever.
Fluent change of topic:
Riley: She has the truest soul I've ever known.
Walsh: Oh no. Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord spare me college boys in love.
Isn't it funny how you end up talking about someone a lot and then realising something everybody else already knew? Not that it has just happened to me recently or anything (I'm very well aware of who I talk a lot about, too well actually). But still. I find it amusing. And slightly embarrassing.
Riley: I guess I kinda like her.
Forrest: You're kinda like a moron.
Riley: So you knew?
Graham: Everybody knows, man.
I miss Riley. I know they're showing season 4 on Sub right now, but I miss new Riley. It's weird. I don't spend my days watching BtVS anymore but sometimes I find myself missing Riley. Or Xander. Those two mainly. Sometimes even Giles. It's really odd. Once and for all; I really ought to get a life. Full stop.
Monday, September 09, 2002
I had a nice blog going around my head for three days and now as I'm sitting infront of a computer, finally!, I remember none of it. Typical.
What a Saturday night. I can't remember when was the last time as much happened in 6 hours. Phew! But I had a blast. Well, most of the time anyway. There were also points when I was annoyed, furious and pissed off, but that's just typical, isn't it?!
My ear still hurts from Staurday though. Arg.
We have to do this ridiculous performance thingie in an hour. I don't want to! I like performing when I am given the text and someone's directing me. I also like writing the text for someone else. And directing others. But what I don't like is to think of the performance, sort of direct it and then do it as well. That's nasty. I've been all nervous all day.
One more thing.. I think I need to remove Placebo & Lemonator from my birthday wishlist. I bought those CDs already. I really want a dragshow by Mikko for my birthday but I doubt I'm going to get that. He hit me in the head with a water bottle when I kindly requested my wish. Evil boy. Oh well, I like him all the same, drag show and water bottles or not.
Friday, September 06, 2002
Hurrah for the new shirts!
I'm going back to Indiska tomorrow.. There are still some nice ones to be bought. I thought two is enough for today.
I still don't have time to e-mail anyone.. let's see who's waiting. Anna-Leena, Jenni, Johanna, Emily, Teija, Marjo and.. someone else but I forgot who it was. Augh! Maybe tomorrow. If I wake up early.
Now I'm off to Anna's farewell boogie.
ps. why is it that when you're having migraines the crying baby sits right behind you in the train for 1½ hours..?!
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
It's been the worst day.
I am the public laughing stock of the universe.
I am Hanna, Queen of the cretins.
I am the silent stranger in the back corner.
I am the selfish friend who doesn't care.
I am the ultimate laziness and stupidity.
I am the lack of selfesteem.
I am the one who doesn't e-mail her friends even when she means to.
I can't stand how I don't have any nice clothes.
I can't stand the fact that I don't have money to buy new clothes.
I can't stand my old clothes and how they all ought to be washed.
I can't stand me for not washing the bloody clothes.
I can't stand my headache.
I can't stand staying inside.
I can't go out.
I hate how I always like the person I shouldn't.
I hate how I always deny myself the joy of liking someone because I think I shouldn't.
I hate being so un-cheery all the time.
I hate it when I convince myself I'm not good at something even though I am.
I hate it when I try to convince others to tell me that I am good at something and then don't believe it even though I know they're right.
I hate being a complex.
I annoy myself.
It's been the worst day.
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
More additions to the birthday wishlist:
Buffy season one DVD
Josie & the Pussycats DVD
lots of other DVDs
clothes
even more money
Along with the dancing Spidey, something else that leads to no good: mindless scribbling whilst in class.
Hanna: doo-de-doo..
Inka: *snicker*
Hanna: What?
Inka: "I'm the bloody Pope, I am"???!
Har.. It wasn't me, honestly. It was the John Cleese in me writing.
Monday, September 02, 2002
Aaaaaaaaah! If you're sitting in a school computer lab with handful of other people, avoid this. It leads to no good.
Emily, how I thank thee.
Our horrible domestic teacher is pretty much English challenged. We made English breakfast today. On the menu: porrige & beaked peans. Lovely.
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